As you can imagine, coming back for a second year has made the transition from Canada to China much easier. Little things, like finding toilet paper, cleaning supplies, plants and food, all of those things were easy to find, and I did not need to wait for help to go and get them, I knew where they were and how to get there.
Overall, the past two months have been okay. New students, new teachers, new office, new Chinese principal, new Canadian principal, new rules, and much more lesson planning than last year. The Ontario government will be evaluating us this year, so that means a whole lot of lesson plans, daily, weekly, monthly and overall, connected to the curriculum. If you are a teacher you can understand how much this sucks, but at the same time is helping me be a more organized teacher (well sort of!).
I have been fortunate to travel to a few places that I did not go to last year, visiting a giant Buddha, experiencing a meditation retreat with an Australian monk, meeting new friends, connecting with old ones, buying an e-bike, healing a broken heart (more on that later), foot massages, cupping, new food, and feeling the stress of my finances as I again attempt to pay off debt.
I posted a status the other day on facebook about Insanity - It is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I have realized that I have been doing many things over and over, expecting different results. For example, spending money. I am VERY good at it. Really. I have very little will power when it comes to this. And, I go over budget, then when I want to do something exciting, I cannot, and it sucks because I am paying off whatever I did before to get further into debt. (which was likely purchasing sushi, new clothes, or food, or wine, or beer, or taxi's). So what am I expecting? That the money tree will start growing? So for the first time I am keeping track of every penny I spend, and where it is going. Over the next month I have set a budget for 300rmb ($50 Canadian) a week, I am four days in and over budget, BUT! There is always next week....
I also have this problem in relationships. I am currently working through a bit of a broken heart. Who am I kidding, it is not a bit broken right now, it feels like it might be torn in half. I won't go into details, mostly because I haven't sorted out everything for myself, and how much I need to take responsibility for my own situation. But, what I am working through though is something I have just read about and I am sure you might be aware of, and it is called, co-dependancy. What I have realized is I have no idea what I want, or what I am feeling or what I need.
I have spent so much time thinking about what I think others expect of me and what I think they want me to be doing that I actually have no idea what I want to be doing. I have also taken it upon myself when in a relationship, to take responsibility for their emotions, their feelings, and in "helping" them, I have completely ignored my own feelings and emotions. In this process I have also done them a disservice by not allowing them to take responsibility for their feelings and emotions.
I have placed most of my happiness in others hands. In my most recent situation, if he was happy, I was happy, if he was sad, I was sad, if something bad was going to happen I could feel it, and had to make it better, (and I would not feel better until he was happy) and it carried on like this for months. When our friendship ended, (through the help of some reading) I realized that I had no idea what I wanted, and worst of all, he was happy! And he had not asked me to take care of his emotions! This was a choice I made!
To make a long story short, the "he" in this situation is a wonderful human, he makes good choices, and has moved on in his life in a very healthy way. I am now left picking up my broken heart off the floor, which is not surprising when you base your own happiness on what someone else is feeling or doing (which by the way he did not ask for). Because when they are gone, you are left empty, having no idea what to do next. So what is a girl to do? Cry, get mad, and then do some work. Work on my Insanity - what have I been doing over and over and expecting different results? I'm working at getting to the core of this, and healing so that I can find my peace.
"Ego says, once everything falls into place, I will find my peace. Spirit says, once I find my peace, everything will fall into place." ~Marianne Williamson
I'll leave you with a quote that has made all the difference during this journey...
hey Mel, great photos as always. i don't think you're too insane - lol - especially with the recognition of what's not serving you well and continuous attempts to get better at life!
ReplyDeleteOne money tip that has helped me over the last few years is to immediately save a certain amount of my paycheck before paying any bills or spending any money each month. So, mo matter what I spend each month, i've already saved some money. I guess the concept is pay yourself first. As far as saving money, yes, the challenges of budgeting!
Sorry to hear about the relationship and the pain it must bring into your life. Again, I don't think it's doing something repeatedly. I think this post shows your lessons learned, growth and experience at life.
As far as relationships, I've personally decided to work more on myself and be the best I can be as a person (regardless of I'm with someone or not) Self-improvement seems so much more productive and in my control. Relationships seem so much out of my hands.
Thanks for another insightful and open post.
Hi Melanie- I got your dad to forward your blog as I had lost track of it. Today, I enjoyed reading your recent posts which are very personal and they draw the reader in. When I went on that big weight loss programme, the main tool was recording every bit of food that went into our mouths day in and day out for atleast 6 weeks. This was the standard set by the team leaders. However, for those of us dealing with life-long weight issues, this was not enough and I recorded everything- seriously, for 12 months. One of my friends did this for 2 solid years. The recording makes you accountable to yourself, there is no faking, and also it stopped a lot of useless eating as you could see the results in calories right in front of you. This same philosophy might work with your money issues. Be accountable to yourself and record every last cent, even if it means carrying a journal/ diary with you. Many of our group, including myself did this, even on holidays. It is amazing how easy it is to say oh, I didn't eat that- spend that, when in actual fact you did. It is also important to do it right at the moment and not forget until later. Hope this helps. Also I listened to a Deepak Chopra CD one year every day on my commute to and from school. It was the year I went on blood pressure meds, largely due to the class that I had. He was the voice of calm acceptance in my nutty working world, so he is a good mentor to have. Hope you are enjoying some leisure time this weekend. I will go back and re read the posts that I missed. Take care and let us know if the logging of spending helps. You are right, it is Pat from next door.
ReplyDeleteTesting
ReplyDeleteFirst of all the word "testing" represents hours of trying to get on this blog. We need to thank Pat, our next door neighbour. Hope this is not the only time we can add on.
ReplyDeleteIt is Very encouraging, at least as a parent, when it is quite obvious that you have a handle on life as it is unfolding, be it some, rare, but unpleasant times. We all have those as you can understand and do not need to be reminded.
It is extremely comforting to us knowing you have the support of some pretty "top shelf" "first class" friends in the true meaning of the word. That is large comfort to us. As they say in the T.V. advertisement for credit cards, "priceless"
As mom always says and points to a known expression that has proven itself time and time again, "As a door closes, a window always opens!"
Love
Mom and Dad