As you can imagine, coming back for a second year has made the transition from Canada to China much easier. Little things, like finding toilet paper, cleaning supplies, plants and food, all of those things were easy to find, and I did not need to wait for help to go and get them, I knew where they were and how to get there.
Overall, the past two months have been okay. New students, new teachers, new office, new Chinese principal, new Canadian principal, new rules, and much more lesson planning than last year. The Ontario government will be evaluating us this year, so that means a whole lot of lesson plans, daily, weekly, monthly and overall, connected to the curriculum. If you are a teacher you can understand how much this sucks, but at the same time is helping me be a more organized teacher (well sort of!).
I have been fortunate to travel to a few places that I did not go to last year, visiting a giant Buddha, experiencing a meditation retreat with an Australian monk, meeting new friends, connecting with old ones, buying an e-bike, healing a broken heart (more on that later), foot massages, cupping, new food, and feeling the stress of my finances as I again attempt to pay off debt.
I posted a status the other day on facebook about Insanity - It is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I have realized that I have been doing many things over and over, expecting different results. For example, spending money. I am VERY good at it. Really. I have very little will power when it comes to this. And, I go over budget, then when I want to do something exciting, I cannot, and it sucks because I am paying off whatever I did before to get further into debt. (which was likely purchasing sushi, new clothes, or food, or wine, or beer, or taxi's). So what am I expecting? That the money tree will start growing? So for the first time I am keeping track of every penny I spend, and where it is going. Over the next month I have set a budget for 300rmb ($50 Canadian) a week, I am four days in and over budget, BUT! There is always next week....
I also have this problem in relationships. I am currently working through a bit of a broken heart. Who am I kidding, it is not a bit broken right now, it feels like it might be torn in half. I won't go into details, mostly because I haven't sorted out everything for myself, and how much I need to take responsibility for my own situation. But, what I am working through though is something I have just read about and I am sure you might be aware of, and it is called, co-dependancy. What I have realized is I have no idea what I want, or what I am feeling or what I need.
I have spent so much time thinking about what I think others expect of me and what I think they want me to be doing that I actually have no idea what I want to be doing. I have also taken it upon myself when in a relationship, to take responsibility for their emotions, their feelings, and in "helping" them, I have completely ignored my own feelings and emotions. In this process I have also done them a disservice by not allowing them to take responsibility for their feelings and emotions.
I have placed most of my happiness in others hands. In my most recent situation, if he was happy, I was happy, if he was sad, I was sad, if something bad was going to happen I could feel it, and had to make it better, (and I would not feel better until he was happy) and it carried on like this for months. When our friendship ended, (through the help of some reading) I realized that I had no idea what I wanted, and worst of all, he was happy! And he had not asked me to take care of his emotions! This was a choice I made!
To make a long story short, the "he" in this situation is a wonderful human, he makes good choices, and has moved on in his life in a very healthy way. I am now left picking up my broken heart off the floor, which is not surprising when you base your own happiness on what someone else is feeling or doing (which by the way he did not ask for). Because when they are gone, you are left empty, having no idea what to do next. So what is a girl to do? Cry, get mad, and then do some work. Work on my Insanity - what have I been doing over and over and expecting different results? I'm working at getting to the core of this, and healing so that I can find my peace.
"Ego says, once everything falls into place, I will find my peace. Spirit says, once I find my peace, everything will fall into place." ~Marianne Williamson
I'll leave you with a quote that has made all the difference during this journey...
