I love life, I just wish I was better at it.

Time is winding down, quickly! Two days short of a month and I will be flying home via Seoul, Toronto, and final destination Sudbury, Ontario (then only a two and a half hour drive home...) with airport pick up courtesy of Ma and Pa Killens. The entire trip taking almost two days. Exciting!

So what has been happening on the other side of the world (literally, remember I'm in China!). Well, a lot you see. As I have said before I am really undecided about coming back here next year. I just cannot make up my mind. About two weeks ago I had a bit of an emotional break down. You know a really good one, where you cry uncontrollably at the drop of a pin, you have very happy and proud moments mixed with moments of self doubt and being really unsure of yourself.

I decided to embrace these moments of extreme emotions that I have not felt for a long time. I was once told by a good friend that we need to cry more. Not necessarily out of sadness, but to show more emotion. He told me when we are sad, embrace it, feel it, and understand it.  Make sense of it, and then you will be able to move forward, stronger, healthier and have a better understanding of who you are.

This brings me to the title of this blog, and the status I put on my facebook. I wish that I was better at this whole life thing. I have the resources within me to be the best person I can be, most of us have these, but like misplaced books I sometimes loose track of where they are, and when I go searching for them,  I have to look really hard to remember where I put them. Sometimes I gave that book away, never to see it again. What I forgot, is that I can ask for it back, all I have to do is make the call.

I sometimes forget all of the amazing things I have learned a long the way that have brought me to China and made me who I am. I am pretty awesome. I am awesome when I am being the best me I know how to be. Staying there is hard. When I get filled with emotions that I cannot explain, when opportunities arise and I cannot decide if this is the best option or just what I should be doing because of society, parents, and friends expectations (most of which are made up in my own head) but separating my own thoughts from what I think others think I should be doing, proves hard sometimes.

I get mixed up about money and my heart, I get mixed up about love and friendship, I get mixed up about what I am really doing in this life to make the world a better place. I get plain mixed up. I look for that inner voice to help guide me, but it gets lost in the shuffle of too many voices wanting to have a say in what I am doing. I do realize I am normal, I realize that all of these feelings are not unique to me. What I also know is, it does not matter that I am in China, I would have these feelings anywhere I lived in the world. I want to be better at this life thing, I want to be able to work through these times with the bigger picture in mind - set goals like a boss, be inspired, and inspire.

Steven Covey said in one of his books that we cannot help others until we have helped ourselves (obviously not a direct quote, but you get the picture). I am selfish in this way, and I want it to change. I want to be better at this life thing, take care of myself, and be in an excellent place so that I can give myself to others with empathy, compassion and most of all with my true attention. I have been a very selfish friend for many years, worrying about what it is that I am doing, talking about what is going wrong in my life, and how much debt I am in. Falling in love (or thinking it is love), and how I just never seem to be quite comfortable being single. It is the same old same old story that I am tired of.

That is what these past two weeks brought about. I want change, a big change, and I am in the middle of it and finding a way through this with my head bobbing above water is proving hard, but when the end goal is to be a better friend, teacher, sister, daughter, cousin, I think that it is worth it to fight to figure out how to do this life thing. In the end I want to know that I am happy and in turn making those around me happy. I don't want to wake up one day realizing that I spent years of my life worrying about what I want to be doing instead of doing it.

Thank-you for your continued support, reading and commenting on my blog. It is you who helps me be a better person, and inspires me to continue learning, growing and generally enjoy this life. xoxo