True Confessions (as oppose to the "not true" ones..)

I wish I could say that there were some amazingly crazy things happening, that I have been so busy and in turn, have had no time to blog....but that would not be totally true. Yes, report cards, essay marking, social schedule...those all take up time but the root of the reason for not blogging has been my negative attitude. It has been a really rough road trying to move out of this negative space, and I think I am starting to climb up hill again. (yes, I like the uphills, they force you to try harder and when you reach the top, the view is spectacular...).

So. I have been thinking about what I wanted to blog about. What would people want to read? Should I actually talk about my feelings and what is really going on...or sugar coat it with some superficial stuff about how I should look on the positive side of things, and how I have so many great things in my life to be grateful for...blah blah blah...stuff people really like and tell you you should believe and say. And stuff I have said before. Things that I really DO believe, when my head is in the right space. But right now, to be honest, I'm not in that space. I know all of the things I "should" be thinking, and I do know how lucky I am. But to really FEEL those things. To truly say them, and BELIEVE it, how do people do that? How do people get there? How do you feel like that?

Which brings me to my uphill battle. One that seems to be cyclical. Patterns. That is what life is all about right? Some of us do the same things every day, every year, sometimes for our entire life. Until we have to do them different. At some point we either have no choice, or we just know we cannot go on the way we are living. Something changes FOR us, or WE make the change. I'm sure you know what I am talking about. For me, this whole healthy living thing has been one heck of an uphill battle. And I don't mean just exercise and eating right, I mean the entire thing, mind, body, and spirit - all connected.  I just get on the right track only to be thrown a curve ball and fall off. And falling off is easy. And sometimes it feels good, actually most times, the first few days it feels really great! Until it doesn't. Then you pick yourself up again, and get on track. And fall off. And then back on, and off. You know where I am going with this. So what keeps you on the track? What keeps those marathon runners motivated, those super human people who somehow have a goal and not one thing could get in their way. They somehow stay motivated, have that goal in mind. Even if they fall off, it isn't for a long time. They stay healthy - somehow living this wonderfully balanced life.

I have recently been reading some blogs. One in particular is http://30yearoldninja.com. Now this dude is intense. He has set goals and obtains them like a Boss. I do not agree with everything on his blog, but he has some seriously great strategies for goal setting and really being focused on what you want in  your life. And, what do YOU want in your life? What a question! And to think that you could really have it! I did the first step in his process, what the hell do I want to do with my life? This is my first step into my healing, really, I think into anyone's healing. I have decided I am going to find a whole new dam track, screw the old one, it obviously is not working.  I am going to find my passion. The craziest thing that came from this is that I have actually realized what I really want to be doing with my life right now. And that is exciting. (no I am not telling you yet, I am still working on a plan, sorry Mom!!)

Now...the next step is how to get there. I realized that I have already been taking steps to do that. I moved to CHINA! I was really feeling down about this, until I realized that my MAIN goal is financial freedom. To be in control of my money instead of money in control of me. AND, I am teaching kids (not exactly my teaching dream school...but it works for now) and getting paid for doing something I (most of the time) love. Check and check.

The rest of my goals and dreams are a work in progress right now. Developing a five year plan for a girl who loves procrastinating on everything will take some time (maybe five years..hehehehe). Something that was written on his blog that has stuck with me goes something like this.. "everything you do in a day - no matter what it is - ask yourself...is this helping me work towards my goals"  and it has really helped. Every bit of food I put in my mouth, the coffee I drink, the things I teach my students, the letters I write my friends, the money I take out of my bank account, and the things I post on facebook and my blog....are they helping me to achieve my goals? No, not yet, not all of them, but some things are, and the more I focus on that question, the more things become clear about where I want to go and who I want to be.

I cannot end this blog without giving a shout out to http://www.vishnusvirtues.com who also has a wonderful blog with a slightly different view then the 30 year old Ninja and between the two of these blogs, I have found some path of my own to follow in hopes of living a better, more meaningful life.

This really isn't like me to show so much of my vulnerability to such a wide audience, but this journey to find out who I am, and to live more purposefully can only be successful with the love and support of my friends and family, and maybe, somewhere out there is someone going through a similar journey, and my story can be meaningful in some way. It is time to find a new track. One that brings me to a new destination. Patterns. I'm adding a new one.


Thirst

The thirst takes over
like a breath
of fresh air
Hiding
in the night

I try to escape
but fall to my knees
giving in
to the fight.

The battle is mine
and mine alone
a choice is made
a mistake once again

The thirst takes over