"A year from now you will wish you had started today"

NOTE: You can find my new blog on my journey over the next year here:
http://410874965909922668.weebly.com

This quote has been running through my mind for quite some time now. In September I wrote some goals of things I would like to accomplish before I turn 40. One of the goals was to quit drinking for one year. And that one year - 365 days starts today. March 24th, 2014.

I have been thinking about this for quite some time. My one month trial back in November was a success, however I must be honest with you, I picked up smoking instead. I have kicked that habit, and picked up smoking Shisha (no, this is not drugs Mom and Dad, it is flavoured tobacco filtered through water). So now is the time to quit all of these habits and start focusing on my health. Cold turkey, one year.

For those of you who know me, you know that I love to have a few drinks. My lifestyle over the past 10 years has been one of pretty much every weekend (and lets be honest, a few week days) filled with some sort of get together with friends over a couple of drinks, generally spending Saturday's slightly hungover and eating garbage food, and generally feeling bad about myself because I want to be healthy. When I lived out West, we drank, but I felt pretty healthy since the drinks were followed after a day of skiing, mountain biking, frisbee golf, and maybe even once, a celebration after a duathalon. I have had many fun times, sad times and regrettable times, all related to the consumption of alcohol. Every event, big or small has been centred around alcohol.

Now I know this is a huge undertaking for myself. So I have to be clear about my goals. I know I need to keep them in mind during the next year, because if I forget why I am doing this, I know I will make up some excuse to have a drink. I thought about limiting my alcohol to twice a month, or once a month, but I think I really need to see what life is like, alcohol free, for one year. I want to focus on my health, on my goals, and focus not only my future, but living each day feeling great.

So why am I telling you this? I'm telling you this because I need the support of my friends and family to accomplish this goal. There are going to be many events over the next year where drinking is a normal part of the occasion. And I love to have a cold beer, a caesar, a glass of wine - the problem is in most cases they turn into much more than one glass - and I want to stay focused.

So. Here it goes friends. One year - alcohol free. Here are the list of some of the goals I hope to keep in mind and accomplish over the next year:

• regular meditation practice
• regular yoga practice
• regular visits to the gym (once back in Canada)
• career goals met - still to be worked on
• financial goals met - still to be worked on
• completed two AQ courses
• vegetarian lifestyle (although I will be eating fish - I cannot get rid of my sushi!!)
• attend another yoga retreat

These are just a few goals to start me off - and the biggest reason for doing this is that I want a clear mind. I want to be focused, and honest about where I am going and what I am doing. Without the hold of alcohol, I will hopefully have to get busy and put procrastination on the back burner, because when Saturday morning rolls around and I'm wide awake at 7am - that leaves copious amounts of time to do wonderful things during the day. 

I have no idea where this journey will take me, but it feels right. If feels like just the right amount out of my comfort zone. Cheers to a year full of firsts. 

Old Habits, New Beginnings.

Two months! I've been back in China for two months. Although it feels like I have been here for six. Really, this time, time is flying by, and at the same time, standing still.

As you can imagine, coming back for a second year has made the transition from Canada to China much easier. Little things, like finding toilet paper, cleaning supplies, plants and food, all of those things were easy to find, and I did not need to wait for help to go and get them, I knew where they were and how to get there. 

Overall, the past two months have been okay. New students, new teachers, new office, new Chinese principal, new Canadian principal, new rules, and much more lesson planning than last year. The Ontario government will be evaluating us this year, so that means a whole lot of lesson plans, daily, weekly, monthly and overall, connected to the curriculum. If you are a teacher you can understand how much this sucks, but at the same time is helping me be a more organized teacher (well sort of!). 

I have been fortunate to travel to a few places that I did not go to last year, visiting a giant Buddha, experiencing a meditation retreat with an Australian monk, meeting new friends, connecting with old ones, buying an e-bike, healing a broken heart (more on that later), foot massages, cupping, new food, and feeling the stress of my finances as I again attempt to pay off debt. 

I posted a status the other day on facebook about Insanity - It is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I have realized that I have been doing many things over and over, expecting different results. For example, spending money. I am VERY good at it. Really. I have very little will power when it comes to this. And, I go over budget, then when I want to do something exciting, I cannot, and it sucks because I am paying off whatever I did before to get further into debt. (which was likely purchasing sushi, new clothes, or food, or wine, or beer, or taxi's). So what am I expecting? That the money tree will start growing? So for the first time I am keeping track of every penny I spend, and where it is going. Over the next month I have set a budget for 300rmb ($50 Canadian) a week, I am four days in and over budget, BUT! There is always next week....

I also have this problem in relationships. I am currently working through a bit of a broken heart. Who am I kidding, it is not a bit broken right now, it feels like it might be torn in half. I won't go into details, mostly because I haven't sorted out everything for myself, and how much I need to take responsibility for my own situation. But, what I am working through though is something I have just read about and I am sure you might be aware of, and it is called, co-dependancy. What I have realized is I have no idea what I want, or what I am feeling or what I need. 

I have spent so much time thinking about what I think others expect of me and what I think they want me to be doing that I actually have no idea what I want to be doing. I have also taken it upon myself when in a relationship, to take responsibility for their emotions, their feelings, and in "helping" them, I have completely ignored my own feelings and emotions. In this process I have also done them a disservice by not allowing them to take responsibility for their feelings and emotions. 

I have placed most of my happiness in others hands. In my most recent situation, if he was happy, I was happy, if he was sad, I was sad, if something bad was going to happen I could feel it, and had to make it better, (and I would not feel better until he was happy) and it carried on like this for months. When our friendship ended, (through the help of some reading) I realized that I had no idea what I wanted, and worst of all, he was happy! And he had not asked me to take care of his emotions! This was a choice I made! 

To make a long story short, the "he" in this situation is a wonderful human, he makes good choices, and has moved on in his life in a very healthy way. I am now left picking up my broken heart off the floor, which is not surprising when you base your own happiness on what someone else is feeling or doing (which by the way he did not ask for). Because when they are gone, you are left empty, having no idea what to do next. So what is a girl to do? Cry, get mad, and then do some work. Work on my Insanity - what have I been doing over and over and expecting different results? I'm working at getting to the core of this, and healing so that I can find my peace.

I'll leave you with a quote that has made all the difference during this journey...

"Ego says, once everything falls into place, I will find my peace. Spirit says, once I find my peace, everything will fall into place." ~Marianne Williamson

Meditation?!

Hello! Woha! What a summer! I feel as though I have spent most of it getting ready to go back to China...as most of you already know, and experience, the summer has flown by. I will not bore you with details of my adventures, because I think they are really only interesting to me. I have been fortunate to visit with almost everyone I wanted to see this summer, which has kept me insanely busy. I will be doing it differently next summer, if you want to see me I'll be at a cabin on the lake, not moving for two months! (place tbd!).

My journey this summer has been one filled with reflection, (and a bit of drinking...). I signed up for Oprah and Deepak's meditative journey! 21 days to Miraculous Relationships! I thought,  FOR SURE, I can do this, 15 minutes a day! Finally, meditation has found its way to me! I don't care what anyone says, Oprah is awesome, and Deepak - well he is love. But no matter how awesome Oprah is, she cannot make my mind stop moving.

The journey to finding your inner spirit, the love that lies within you, and emanating that love to the world is not an easy journey (for me). Actually I think it is one of the hardest journeys I have been on. Fifteen minutes a day is just the meditation part, a long with that comes the journal entries which get you thinking about you, and then on top of that, there are daily exercises to try and remember to practice. All of this to help remember and find that loveable, kind, generous spirit who was filled with light that has been inside you from birth. Learning to accept that person, giving them a voice, and seeing that same light in everyone you meet.

This is the kind of person I have been talking about, you know who they are, the ones you meet and they just emanate awesomeness. You want to be around them all of the time because they are just pure love. That is who I am inside. That is who you are inside! That is what I am learning, that we are all pure love. That we are made up of this energy and we just have to realize it.

One of the best exercises I have had to do so far was looking at everyone as though they are a stranger. This is fantastic. To look at your family members, your children, your friends and your co-workers as though you do not know them. You start to see people from a different perspective. You see them how others might see them, without preconceived notions of who you THINK they are. You start to see people for who they really are. You see their inner light. Try it, really!

So, I was embarrassed to tell anyone about all of this introspection and love and spirit talk, meditation, journaling, until I worked up the courage to mention what I was doing to a few of my friends. I could not believe the conversations that came from this. Hello Miraculous Relationships!! I had no idea how many of my friends are very spiritual people, and they pray! They pray every day! I'm not exactly sure what I believe in yet, but I do believe in some spirit, one that connects us all. We are all connected in some way. Something bigger than me and you, and although I am really taking a long time go get this meditation thing on the go, something is working since I have been meditating. Something is bringing awesome relationships into my life because since starting this journey, I have seen the change in me, in my conversations, and in my relationships with friends and family.

I wish I could say this was an easy process for me, that I started meditating and have silenced my mind on the first try. Actually I'm not sure I have silenced my mind in the first 10 days of meditating until today when I sat by the water and stared into the distance, just listening to the waves. I had to start somewhere, we have to start somewhere. There needs to be a collective change in attitude in our world, and that somewhere starts with our children. If we instil and encourage this inner knowing and love in our children, this process will be easy, and we won't have to work so hard as adults to find our spirit! We are born with an innate knowing, we are born innocent, and are in tune with nature, peoples emotions, with our spirit, and our light. We need to encourage our children to understand these emotions and emanate the love that is within them, let them shine!

So for now, I am still trying to meditate, taking in Oprah and Deepak's words of encouragement and wisdom, trying to remember treat myself with kindness and love and acceptance. To view others with the same love, and light that we should be shining on ourselves. Once we accept who we truly are at the deepest level, we can then begin to shine our light on others, and in turn allow their light to shine as well.

In three days I am back to Jinhua, and I hope that I can keep growing, and learning, and experiencing life first hand. Thank-you to every single one of my friends who I was able to visit with this summer. I appreciate you and everything you do. See you next year!! xoxo


If you want to get in on meditation...here is the website.

https://chopracentermeditation.com/home

I love life, I just wish I was better at it.

Time is winding down, quickly! Two days short of a month and I will be flying home via Seoul, Toronto, and final destination Sudbury, Ontario (then only a two and a half hour drive home...) with airport pick up courtesy of Ma and Pa Killens. The entire trip taking almost two days. Exciting!

So what has been happening on the other side of the world (literally, remember I'm in China!). Well, a lot you see. As I have said before I am really undecided about coming back here next year. I just cannot make up my mind. About two weeks ago I had a bit of an emotional break down. You know a really good one, where you cry uncontrollably at the drop of a pin, you have very happy and proud moments mixed with moments of self doubt and being really unsure of yourself.

I decided to embrace these moments of extreme emotions that I have not felt for a long time. I was once told by a good friend that we need to cry more. Not necessarily out of sadness, but to show more emotion. He told me when we are sad, embrace it, feel it, and understand it.  Make sense of it, and then you will be able to move forward, stronger, healthier and have a better understanding of who you are.

This brings me to the title of this blog, and the status I put on my facebook. I wish that I was better at this whole life thing. I have the resources within me to be the best person I can be, most of us have these, but like misplaced books I sometimes loose track of where they are, and when I go searching for them,  I have to look really hard to remember where I put them. Sometimes I gave that book away, never to see it again. What I forgot, is that I can ask for it back, all I have to do is make the call.

I sometimes forget all of the amazing things I have learned a long the way that have brought me to China and made me who I am. I am pretty awesome. I am awesome when I am being the best me I know how to be. Staying there is hard. When I get filled with emotions that I cannot explain, when opportunities arise and I cannot decide if this is the best option or just what I should be doing because of society, parents, and friends expectations (most of which are made up in my own head) but separating my own thoughts from what I think others think I should be doing, proves hard sometimes.

I get mixed up about money and my heart, I get mixed up about love and friendship, I get mixed up about what I am really doing in this life to make the world a better place. I get plain mixed up. I look for that inner voice to help guide me, but it gets lost in the shuffle of too many voices wanting to have a say in what I am doing. I do realize I am normal, I realize that all of these feelings are not unique to me. What I also know is, it does not matter that I am in China, I would have these feelings anywhere I lived in the world. I want to be better at this life thing, I want to be able to work through these times with the bigger picture in mind - set goals like a boss, be inspired, and inspire.

Steven Covey said in one of his books that we cannot help others until we have helped ourselves (obviously not a direct quote, but you get the picture). I am selfish in this way, and I want it to change. I want to be better at this life thing, take care of myself, and be in an excellent place so that I can give myself to others with empathy, compassion and most of all with my true attention. I have been a very selfish friend for many years, worrying about what it is that I am doing, talking about what is going wrong in my life, and how much debt I am in. Falling in love (or thinking it is love), and how I just never seem to be quite comfortable being single. It is the same old same old story that I am tired of.

That is what these past two weeks brought about. I want change, a big change, and I am in the middle of it and finding a way through this with my head bobbing above water is proving hard, but when the end goal is to be a better friend, teacher, sister, daughter, cousin, I think that it is worth it to fight to figure out how to do this life thing. In the end I want to know that I am happy and in turn making those around me happy. I don't want to wake up one day realizing that I spent years of my life worrying about what I want to be doing instead of doing it.

Thank-you for your continued support, reading and commenting on my blog. It is you who helps me be a better person, and inspires me to continue learning, growing and generally enjoy this life. xoxo

My Students ROCK!

What was I thinking? A poetry unit? How I was going to pull this one off? I had no idea, but I had a feeling that I really wanted to test drive this whole poetry thing. What I didn't know is just how AWESOME this unit would turn out to be. After taking the students work down and throwing it in the garbage (very dramatic and very teacher like....) telling them that they were not doing their best work, they listened.  Each class is different, and I knew for these students, this would really hit home for them, and hopefully they would hear what I was trying to say. I had allowed the students to hand in less than their best work. I realized (or was reminded) that when you lower your standards, the students meet them. (this could also be a metaphor for life, but that would be another blog!) So, I upped the standards. And these students went above and beyond.

I reminded the students that they should be handing in work they are proud of. Work that they want to show their parents, friends and family. Work they can look back on in ten years and be proud of it. So, we started the poetry unit. What I learned is that poetry is an unbelievable way for these students to express themselves with very little worry about grammar. They excelled! What I learned is that they have no idea how to rhyme...but that is a whole other story. I have uploaded just some of the amazing poetry that these students created. I am so proud, and more than anything, I am happy that they are proud of what they have done and learned about themselves.

I wish I could add more, because they really are amazing. I hope you enjoy.

This is Ayemos. The below are just a few of her poems.  That is also her dedication at the beginning of her anthology.

This is Bubble. The following poems are hers. She is also an artist. With each poem she PAINTED a picture. These are her drawings and her paintings in digital form. She has created a hard cover book to publish her poetry.

True Confessions (as oppose to the "not true" ones..)

I wish I could say that there were some amazingly crazy things happening, that I have been so busy and in turn, have had no time to blog....but that would not be totally true. Yes, report cards, essay marking, social schedule...those all take up time but the root of the reason for not blogging has been my negative attitude. It has been a really rough road trying to move out of this negative space, and I think I am starting to climb up hill again. (yes, I like the uphills, they force you to try harder and when you reach the top, the view is spectacular...).

So. I have been thinking about what I wanted to blog about. What would people want to read? Should I actually talk about my feelings and what is really going on...or sugar coat it with some superficial stuff about how I should look on the positive side of things, and how I have so many great things in my life to be grateful for...blah blah blah...stuff people really like and tell you you should believe and say. And stuff I have said before. Things that I really DO believe, when my head is in the right space. But right now, to be honest, I'm not in that space. I know all of the things I "should" be thinking, and I do know how lucky I am. But to really FEEL those things. To truly say them, and BELIEVE it, how do people do that? How do people get there? How do you feel like that?

Which brings me to my uphill battle. One that seems to be cyclical. Patterns. That is what life is all about right? Some of us do the same things every day, every year, sometimes for our entire life. Until we have to do them different. At some point we either have no choice, or we just know we cannot go on the way we are living. Something changes FOR us, or WE make the change. I'm sure you know what I am talking about. For me, this whole healthy living thing has been one heck of an uphill battle. And I don't mean just exercise and eating right, I mean the entire thing, mind, body, and spirit - all connected.  I just get on the right track only to be thrown a curve ball and fall off. And falling off is easy. And sometimes it feels good, actually most times, the first few days it feels really great! Until it doesn't. Then you pick yourself up again, and get on track. And fall off. And then back on, and off. You know where I am going with this. So what keeps you on the track? What keeps those marathon runners motivated, those super human people who somehow have a goal and not one thing could get in their way. They somehow stay motivated, have that goal in mind. Even if they fall off, it isn't for a long time. They stay healthy - somehow living this wonderfully balanced life.

I have recently been reading some blogs. One in particular is http://30yearoldninja.com. Now this dude is intense. He has set goals and obtains them like a Boss. I do not agree with everything on his blog, but he has some seriously great strategies for goal setting and really being focused on what you want in  your life. And, what do YOU want in your life? What a question! And to think that you could really have it! I did the first step in his process, what the hell do I want to do with my life? This is my first step into my healing, really, I think into anyone's healing. I have decided I am going to find a whole new dam track, screw the old one, it obviously is not working.  I am going to find my passion. The craziest thing that came from this is that I have actually realized what I really want to be doing with my life right now. And that is exciting. (no I am not telling you yet, I am still working on a plan, sorry Mom!!)

Now...the next step is how to get there. I realized that I have already been taking steps to do that. I moved to CHINA! I was really feeling down about this, until I realized that my MAIN goal is financial freedom. To be in control of my money instead of money in control of me. AND, I am teaching kids (not exactly my teaching dream school...but it works for now) and getting paid for doing something I (most of the time) love. Check and check.

The rest of my goals and dreams are a work in progress right now. Developing a five year plan for a girl who loves procrastinating on everything will take some time (maybe five years..hehehehe). Something that was written on his blog that has stuck with me goes something like this.. "everything you do in a day - no matter what it is - ask yourself...is this helping me work towards my goals"  and it has really helped. Every bit of food I put in my mouth, the coffee I drink, the things I teach my students, the letters I write my friends, the money I take out of my bank account, and the things I post on facebook and my blog....are they helping me to achieve my goals? No, not yet, not all of them, but some things are, and the more I focus on that question, the more things become clear about where I want to go and who I want to be.

I cannot end this blog without giving a shout out to http://www.vishnusvirtues.com who also has a wonderful blog with a slightly different view then the 30 year old Ninja and between the two of these blogs, I have found some path of my own to follow in hopes of living a better, more meaningful life.

This really isn't like me to show so much of my vulnerability to such a wide audience, but this journey to find out who I am, and to live more purposefully can only be successful with the love and support of my friends and family, and maybe, somewhere out there is someone going through a similar journey, and my story can be meaningful in some way. It is time to find a new track. One that brings me to a new destination. Patterns. I'm adding a new one.


Thirst

The thirst takes over
like a breath
of fresh air
Hiding
in the night

I try to escape
but fall to my knees
giving in
to the fight.

The battle is mine
and mine alone
a choice is made
a mistake once again

The thirst takes over

Oh the rain....

If you look closely, it has rained so much the water has come
right up over the bridge!!

There is so much of it!! GAH! This is supposed to be the rainiest month of the year in Jinhua, and so far it has proved to be correct. This causes a few problems, but most importantly, the main problem is laundry. Since we hang our clothes to dry, and it is not sunny long enough to totally dry them, this leaves a really nice fragrance on your hoodies of...mildew? Love.

The second problem is state of mind. Rain, as we know helps many things, but your good mood is not one of them when it is raining for days on end. Most days right now are wet and dreary - with some sunshine mixed in there somewhere. Trying to pull yourself out of a funk when it is hard to get some outdoor time and soak in some much needed Vitamin D, is one of the drawbacks of a rainy season. I know it will be over soon, and I will be talking about how ridiculously hot it is outside, but for now the rain is upon us...so bring it on mother nature.

I am having a really hard time right now with the decision to come back next year. There is a a continuous feeling apprehension on many levels. The only positive I can see right now are the students, and the money. Almost all the teachers are leaving, including our principal, our secretary, and there is a new change in management on the Chinese side. An odd time for change...almost nearing the end of the school year, but such is the case. Change of secretary sucks, but in this situation, this is a huge deal. Secretaries are the glue. The glue that holds everything together, especially here at our school. I think it is actually the biggest problem we are going to face out of all of the above issues. Since the pay for the secretary job is terrible, finding a qualified, english speaking, hard working individual for the job is really hard. With all of the translation that has to happen between the students, the parents, the Chinese side, our side, our Canadian side, report cards, visa issues, transportation, communication, university application forms, the list goes on and on, having a secretary who has a very hard time speaking English makes it really really hard to communicate. Not to mention the copious amounts of things Harriet (our previous secretary) did for us that has made our life here much easier, her list of amazingness could go on forever. Her replacement "Strawberry" who we have now shortened to "Berry" for professional reasons has been working for us for three days, with the help of Harriet. When Harriet is gone I might cry, but here is to hoping that Berry can do the job.

Change is a good thing. We all need change, and anyone who knows me, knows that my life is in a constant state of change. I do well with change in most cases, and this could be a positive experience. An entirely new staff and management could mean endless possibilities for this school. Right now there  are issues that I cannot fully understand with the Education system here. I have had four students leave the program I am teaching to do TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) full time in order to get into an American program instead of a Canadian University. The students are somehow being filled with the idea that they will be able to breeze through the SAT exam, and that going to an American University is much more prestigious than going to Canada. I want to add that when they choose to leave the program (which is three years long) they forfeit any money they have paid. They pay the three years in advance (around fourty thousand) and they do not get any of this money back. It is something that I am having a hard time understanding, it is important to note that the Principal of the Chinese school has his daughter in the American program and not our Canadian one, which is setting the precedent for the students and parents in our program. When they see that the Management is not taking advantage of our program, it gives parents a message that going to America is a much better option.

There is so much more to the ins and outs of obtaining a foreign University Degree for these kids, and their belief in American education, but what it comes down to for me is that I am worried that numbers are going to be less and less, as more students leave, they follow the others lead. No students, no job, even if they paid for three years. I wish them the best of luck, but when you are learning all of your English language from a Chinese teacher, who does not speak to you in English, how will you advance your skills? Anyways, I digress. Without two years teaching experience my options are limited, but I am trying to remain positive and remember that we are where we are for a reason, and although I may not be able to see the "why" or the purpose right now, when I look back, something will have made sense, it has tooo! Until I find my next adventure (or it finds me, as it usually does)...which I hope lies in clean air, mountains and swimmable water....I will have to somehow find some inner peace in this crazy country.

I have added some photo's which have nothing to do with my blog above...hahaha, but I spent some time this weekend eating some yummy food, drinking some wine and hanging with friends. Wine helps. It really really does. :). I hope you enjoy - oh and I am VERY happy to say that my  Uncle Paul has made it through heart surgery like a BOSS!!! It makes my heart feel so happy that he is doing well and kicking butt. Without that little ticker that works so hard for us every day, none of these worries, adventures and sharing of stories would be possible.

A rare sunny day...time to go outside!!

Essay writing 101.

Be jealous. SO GOOD.

Hot Pot at a friends house.

Be careful, they like it spicy. I was sweating. 

I couldn't actually get a translation for these...although they were very slimy..

Out host.

These are some sort of seafood in a ball. I wouldn't suggest it. I took a bite...but then was very sneaky and put it in Lucy's bowl. :).

Fish and Eliza, our hosts.

This is Ding Dong. Hahahaha..he dances, stands up straight, plays dead. Fantastic.

Come on! Who makes these??

Eliza and Lucy.

Wine Bar (which I am pretty sure just doubles as a place to play Poker, since gambling is "illegal" in China)

Wine, courtesy of the owner. 

The owner of the wine bar - who also has just had a new baby who cried every time I held her. Win.

LUCY!!! xo

Lucy, Asaad and meeeeeee.

We are funny obviously.

HAHAHAHA.

Ice Wine from Niagara Falls!! YEOWWW!!

This one is better. Very handsome looking group. xo

Eliza and Fish.